| happy new year |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|09:41 pm] |
The year of 05, got 2 hours left
theres parties happenin everywhere now, i bet.
they'll open some bottles, show some good cheer
they can't wait to ring in the completely new year.
but hey, 2005, can't say it wasn't fun.
still, there's a lot of things i shoulda got done.
in january schedules changed, friends got new classes
in feburary people forgot freinds, they turned out to be asses.
in march we found out that web design roxx,
in april started baseball and the lets go white sox.
in may school got out, this meant time to relax
in june we just chilled, didn't have to go back.
in july, we worked, we all had summer jobs
in august we went back to being lazy white slobs.
in september came katrina, poor new orleans
in october we were 8-0-1 when we tied plainfield's jv teams.
in november sox became the world champs
in december this christmastime was rainy and damp.
so now i feel different while writing this story
the year of 05 wasn't special or boring.
nothing much happened that we said we would do
are we making the same plans for next year too?
aw hell naw! screw what happened this year!
the new one's comin anyway so lets gather round, show some cheer!
let's go out and party and drink till we're sick!
not a bad start for the year 2006.
wait, what the hell am i doing sittin here?
i'm sitting in front of a PC with no freinds gathered near.
well screw this then, i'm goin out and gettin friggin laid!
so a happy new year to all, may the dreams that come true be those that made.
~Craninov. |
|
|
| to the perv reading this: |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|07:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  heh, alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | FLCL - runners high | ] |
Yosh.
glad to see you reading my livejournal.
hey, read that story down there V. it's cool. *peer pressure* now read it. It's eight chapters long, but it's worth it! |
|
|
| THE ENTIRE STORY IS COMPLETE! |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|11:21 pm] |
For those of you who don't care, I've decided to put the whole story in one update. Yep, all eight chapters. The story itself, NAZI, was based off of some real life situations and some found in anime like FLCL. I hope that you liked it, and here's how the story all goes together.
NAZI
PROLOUGE
The Smiths were a completely normal American family. They lived in the nice suburbs in a normal white house with the father, John’s car out in front by the mailbox. John opened the wooden front door of his house and looked outside. His wife, Mary, was out tending her lilies in the garden. His baby boy, Mark was walking awkwardly in the grass next to Mary with his pacifier in his mouth. His young daughter, Beth, was talking with her friends out in the street. It was almost her eleventh birthday. Yes, everything was good in the Smith family home. He took a big whiff of the fresh summer air, and then stepped down onto his footpath to the street. He was dressed for a fine day at work with his suitcase in his hand. Mary stood up from the garden and waved him goodbye with a smile while Mark ran up to him and gave him a big hug. Beth looked away from her friends to wave and say goodbye to her daddy. He smiled and waved back. He got out to his car, opened the door and stepped inside. He closed the door, buckled his seatbelt, and put the keys in the ignition and turned them. Nothing happened. This was weird for him, as he always made sure there was enough gas to get him to work and home. He tried again, still nothing. He looked around. On the seat next to him was a note. He picked it up and read it. “Dear Pops,
I took my friends out to see a show and have some dinner last night. Sorry I forgot to fill her up afterwards. Also, if you find Bonnie’s bra back there, give it to me cause I guess she wants it back. Later,
Mike”
John fumed with anger as he crushed the note. He stepped out of the car and into the middle of the street.
“Grr MICHAEL JOESEPH SMITH GET YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!”
Mary ran over to him and still smiling tried to coax him to calm down.
“*Ahem* Honey, let’s calm down now, the neighbors are watching!” She smiled and waved to Beth’s friends who were staring in confusion.
“No, Mary! This boy has been trouble from the start and I just can’t take it anymore!! I’m going to finally teach our son some goddamn respect for his father!!!”
“Well you can’t dad,” Beth said with a retarded look on her face, “He went skateboarding, duh!” She sighed and rolled her eyes as she went back to talking with her friends as little Mark looked on and laughed. All right, so the Smiths weren’t the perfect family, but they were still an average American family who would eventually cause a severe change in the history of mankind.
CHAPTER 1
It was summertime, and though it felt good for everyone to be outside and enjoy the weather, it was also time for the Smith family summer barbecue get together. John and his wife and three kids piled into the car and headed down to Grandma’s for a good time and some meeting up with the cousins. When they arrived, the family hugged and shook hands as they prepared for uncle Jeb’s famous baby back ribs. They were so bad that everyone knew about them! Mike walked around the house as his sister talked with all the kids her age and his mom showed off his baby brother to all of his aunts and uncles. He tried to find a room where he could listen to his music alone, so he went upstairs. He opened a door to find his dad politely chatting with his worst enemy, his cousin Christopher. At 5’1 and 100 lbs, he wasn’t that big of a kid, but his brain made up for it. He had national science trophies and plaques and scholarships from different collages, yet he was only 13! Chris and John looked up at Mike.
“Oh, it’s you,” John said in a monotonous voice, “so anyway, Chris, what were your plans after college?”
“I’m going to play videogames and drive my shiny new car, what do you think, idiot?”
“Yes, but you also plan to be a big businessman, right?”
“Well, I guess I might get a job as a vet or something because I love animals.”
“…Yeah, but MOSTLY you want to be a big businessman, right?”
“Sorry to break up whatever it was you were doing there,” Mike interrupted, “but Chris, your dad says it’s time for you to come down and as soon as you eat you have to go home.”
“Aww, but I don’t wanna go home! Everybody in my house hates me!” Chris screamed.
“What makes you think that?” John asked.
“My stupid dad said no video games for a week because of something I didn’t do! I don’t wanna go home!!! Uncle John, I wanna stay with you!!”
“Well let’s see if I can arrange you staying for a few weeks.” John said calmly.
“What?!!!” Mike screamed in shock.
“Oh, thank you, thank you uncle John!” Chris squealed with happiness and hugged him.
“You’re joking!” Mike said with disbelief.
“Michael! This child is growing up in a terrible household where his parents and siblings abuse him! The least we could do is give this poor boy a good chance at life! Would you like to live in a household where your parents beat you and scar you emotionally?!”
“But he just said that they- you know what, screw it. Go ahead.” Mike turned around and waved his hand. He walked downstairs; he knew this was bad; he just stopped caring a while ago. He walked downstairs, looked around and saw that no one was there. “I guess they’re all outside eating.” He thought. He walked into the backyard but it was empty. He heard a commotion out front. He walked around the house and saw everyone out in the street surrounding a man standing on a platform giving a speech of some sort. He found his way to his little sister who was listening to the man. “Hey, gaywad, what the hell’s going on?”
“Oh, my god, can you believe this? The international white socialist party won its court case and can proclaim its values for a fortnight!”
“Sorry, no speaka de English. What?”
“The freakin nazis are marching today.”
“Illinois nazis,” he contemplated, “I hate Illinois nazis.”
“Hey, I’ll give you five bucks if you go up there and beat the crap out of their leader!”
“Come on, the police are surrounding them, there’s no way to do that. Hmm, I’ll do it for $20.” He grinned.
“Done.” He snuck behind the Nazis stand and climbed up the structure to the top of the nazi flag and looked down at the group in brown uniforms speaking into a microphone, the angry mob yelling at them, and the poor policemen forced to be bodyguards. Some of his family in the angry mob noticed him and pointed and waved, soon all of the attention was pointed at him. He had no problem with this and decided to listen in on the speech.
“We are the American Neohima party! We simply want a good, pure society where we have no need for drugs and violence! All white people may join our great leader’s quest!” the man with the microphone shouted.
“Ha! Give me a break!!” came Mike’s voice, “you guys have no idea what it means to be a nazi! You must give all your rights to the state, heil your leader 24/7, and you have to be a blue-eyed blonde! Half of you would be exterminated right now by your ‘great leader’!!!” He jumped down onto the stage, ripping down the swastika flag. The crowd cheered and applauded. The furious nazi speaker was outraged and pulled out his pistol and aimed at Mike. Now the police had had enough and arrested all the nazis on the stage. The squirming speaker was filled with rage against Mike.
“You shall pay for this! You will see!!!” he shouted.
“Oh, come on, I’m just a kid! Show some mercy!” Mike taunted back.
Once the scene was over and all the nazis were taken away, Mike and his family had to go home. They piled into the car and drove off. Mary tried to start a conversation.
“So, how does everyone feel about the American nazi party? Good idea?” she asked.
“MOM!!!! Are you kidding?!!” Mike was complexed and tried to explain this. “They’re freakin nazis! You can’t like them! Also, one tried to kill me!!!”
“Oh, hush!” Mary looked back at him, “ They are good family men and women who simply want a good environment for their children to grow up in. That’s very noble.”
“You’re right, dear,” John started off, “They’re doing the right thing, and when November comes around they have my vote! I’ve been worrying about Mark lately. With all the violence we see on television, we really need to make this world a better place!”
“Oh, shit, dad,” Mike pouted loudly, “not you too!!!”
“Michael! It is bad to swear!”
“It’s also bad to kill 30 million people but the nazis still did it!!!”
“These are the American Neohima! They are merely good people following the right idea! We should support them.”
“But dad-!!!”
“Michael! You are sixteen and I am forty-six! I have been around longer than you and I know what I’m talking about!”
“Okay, fine! Be that way. See if I care.” Mike was depressed and confused, but decided to be quiet for the rest of the ride home.
CHAPTER 2
The years passed and soon it was almost Election Day. Mike was on his way to work from school when he met up with some of his friends. Three of them were standing in a circle waiting for him, talking excitedly. The shortest one was Ryan, and he was smoking his cigarette when he looked up at Mike. The tallest one was Tanner, a huge weightlifter punk who was carrying around his skateboard, and the only girl holding the newspaper was Shay, and she looked over at Mike with indifferent eyes.
“Hey, dude,” she started off, “You check this out?”
“What? Hey, weren’t you and Ryan supposed to be in detention this week?” Mike asked.
“We got bigger problems right now. Here, read this.” She threw Mike the newspaper. The front page read: NAZI PARTY LEADER SVEN LEICHENHIMER NEXT PRESIDENT BY POPULAR VOTE.
“What the hell?” Mike stuttered as he looked on at the picture of the smiling man on the cover. He was the same nazi who pulled the pistol on him that summer. “Shit!” he screamed. “We’re screwed!”
“What’s up?” Tanner asked. “Is we gonna go somewhere?”
“Yeah, dude,” Ryan said, “I thought you were like a nazi expert, you did a report on them last year for history, right?”
“Naw, these guys are different. Also, that guy there on the newspaper is gonna kick my ass when he sees me.”
“You mean President Leichenhimer? What’d you ever do to him?” Shay asked.
“Never mind. I really gotta go home right now, later!” Mike said as he turned home.
“Bye bye!” Tanner smiled and waved.
“Hey, you’re gonna miss work!” Ryan shouted after him.
“Don’t worry about him.” Shay insisted.
Back at home, Mike opened the door to see his parents and siblings watching the news.
“We have just heard President Leichenhimer’s speech, and this marks the first time in American history that a socialist party has won the presidency. This is a world record in the making, Tom.” The female anchor said.
“It sure is, Diane. Amazingly, there was no controversy and he won the election by a landslide. I’d say this asshole cheated. I mean, come on people! He’s a freakin nazi! He isn’t supposed to win, you know, my grandfather fought and died in WWII to stop these bastards! We can’t let one of these freaks of nature run our great country! This is insane!- Wait, I’m just receiving the message that now that President Leichenhimer has accepted the presidency, he’s made laws that end all elections after this, has decided to eliminate all enemies of the state, and has strictly forbidden all anti-nazi propaganda. We love you, President Leichenhimer!” said the male anchor.
“Ha ha, Tom,” said the female anchor.
“Go fuck yourself, Diane. And that’s the news for tonight.”
Mike’s dad turned off the TV. He was in complete nazi uniform.
“Oh, not you too, dad!” Mike screamed.
“This is the best decision of my life! President Sven Leichenhimer has promised to make America the great place our founding fathers wanted it to be! I can finally raise my kids in a gang and drug free environment that I can be proud that I helped to create!” John said proudly.
“Aw, come on dad! That nazi bastard wants me dead!!”
“You made fun of him publicly. That was very rude and un-American.”
“Dammit!” he looked around. “Mom, Beth, you guys know this is wrong, right?!”
“Oh, don’t worry, honey, these men would never hurt you, you have nothing to worry about.” Mary said sweetly.
“Oh, shut up, mom,” Beth replied, “the first goal on Leichenhimer’s mind is the public execution of all punks and gangstas like Mike, his friends, and even those celebrities we see on TV.”
“Well, it’s for a good reason, sweetie,” John said comfortingly, “We hope to make the world a better place where we don’t have to worry about you going out and getting high or shot or pregnant.”
“Allright, I can’t take it anymore! The only one who still believes me is Mark, and he can’t even talk yet! I’m going out. I’ll see you Deutschland Dooshbags around.” Mike ran out and slammed the door. He left for Shay’s house on the other side of town on his skateboard. He was thinking a lot on the way there. His parents don’t give a damn about him. The whole country wants him dead. What’s there to do? He decided right then and there to give up on life. It’s better off if he was dead, the government and his family wouldn’t have to worry anymore. He skated to the town bridge and stopped by the railing. He looked down. He could end it all right there. All the pain, all the suffering, could make it go away. He got up on the railing. The sky was dark and the river was churning fast. “Goodbye, world, goodbye Mom and Dad, goodbye Ryan and Tanner. Goodbye Shay.” He thought as he started to lean forward. Suddenly a bright light shone from behind him. He stumbled to get his balance.
“Mike! Get over here!” It was Shay! He turned around. A sudden wind gust made him lose his balance and he slipped off into the water. “Oh, no! Mike!” Shay screamed. She thought fast. “Tanner! Fetch!”
“Okie dokie boss!” Tanner ran up and made a perfect form dive into the cold churning water. He swam and grabbed Mike’s body, which was falling towards the river bottom. He pushed up for air, and then swam to shore with Mike on his back. Shay and Ryan ran down to the river’s edge to go check on them.
“Good job, Tanner! Hi-five!” Ryan said to Tanner. They high fived and Tanner clapped and laughed. Shay checked on Mike. He wasn’t breathing. She pounded on his chest a couple times. Still nothing. She moved up and gave him mouth to mouth. Nothing! She tried again with all her might, desperately trying to save her friend. He suddenly choked up dirty river water and puke-while her mouth was still on his!! She spat out his puke and screamed. Ryan was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. Mike came to and looked over to see Shay puking next to him. She stopped, and then looked back at him. She immediately got up into a dignified pose and turned her nose at him. He looked over at Ryan and Tanner.
“All right, would someone please tell me what is going on here?!” Mike asked.
“Dude, you really need to watch the news once in a while. President Leichenhimer has a price on your head. We gotta move! We can’t stay here or the nazis will come kill all of us for helping you!” Ryan shouted at him with his cigarette still in his mouth.
“You’re our best friend, Mikey!” Tanner shouted with glee.
“Uhh, thanks dudes.” Mike felt a little embarrassed.
“Don’t thank us, this was Shay’s idea.” Ryan said and pointed at Shay. “She’s the one with the car.” She was obviously still irritated at Mike and walked back to the car without saying anything. Mike got up and followed her with Ryan and Tanner right behind him. They all piled into the car and Shay tried to start it up. Suddenly, engines were heard behind them. Ryan and Tanner looked back. Three cars with the American and Nazi flags on them were headed for them. They knew they had Mike and were trying to bring him to custody.
“Cmon, Shay,” Mike hollered, “we really gotta go!!!” Shay started up the car and floored it down the street. The nazis were right behind them. They pulled out pistols and started firing upon the car. “Everybody duck!” Mike screamed. Shay tried to dodge the bullets. They screamed down the city streets trying to lose the nazis.
“Hey, anybody got any ideas? They’d be really appreciated right now!!”
“Heh, I got one,” Ryan said. He pulled a box of cigarettes from his coat pocket.
“You know, smoking is a bad habit,” Tanner advised Ryan, “They could kill you!”
“You’re absolutely right, Tan my man.” Ryan snickered as he lit one and threw it back at the nazis cars. It landed in one of them and exploded. The burning car ran into the other two and a huge explosion was the end of their pursuers.
“Ohh, pretty lights!” Tanner exclaimed. Mike suddenly got a good idea.
“Hey, you guys, we can really cause some chaos now that we’re being hunted by the government. We can steal national treasures, blow up nazi propaganda, and make total asses of ourselves until we are caught and killed or death by natural causes!”
“Great plan, whiz kid, but you forgot something. How the hell are we gonna survive out here! We got little cash, our face is on every wanted ad, and we’re officially bigger terrorists than Al Queda. Let’s just worry how we’re gonna spend the night.” Shay told him sarcastically.
“Already got that figured out. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re off to Canada! The Brits, French, and Russians living there totally despised the Nazis since the 1940s and they won’t have to worry about us.”
“Sounds good to me, okay!” Tanner and Ryan said together.
“Only if you’re sure they won’t kill us.” Shay said defensively.
“Don’t worry baby, we’ll be fine.” Mike said. “Now, let’s go get some of that beautiful freedom we call Maple Syrup Land! Yeah!”
CHAPTER 3
Mike, Shay, Ryan, and Tanner drove up north to escape the feds. Of course, a long drive with a wanted man, a chain smoker, a woman driver, and a total retard ain’t all that fun by itself. There were multiple potty breaks, sleeping in hotels, and being found out by one of Leichenhimer’s spies. But there was some fun. They robbed two banks by dressing up like the nazi government officials and saying that the taxes were due. Nobody knew the difference until Tanner screwed it up.
“All right, it appears that this bank hasn’t been paying its taxes to the new government now, so we’ll have to bring it to headquarters right away!” Shay ordered in a fake nazi accent to a bank teller.
“Oh, of course, ma’am, we’d be happy to help out the neohima government in any way! Say, have you heard of our retired military plan? 15% off life insurance for aging men and women serving in the armed forces! You can sign up right here!” said the teller. Shay’s eye twitched.
“I’m… not… OLD you freakin dumbass! I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna-!” Shay screamed, but stopped when she heard the big dumb animal laugh coming from her friend.
“Ha ha ha! They thinks you are old, but you’re really only a high school kid dressed up like a nazi! You just look old to them because you’re so ugly in that uniform! And guess what else! We’re also not nazis here to collect tackses! We’re just more high school kids here to steal money! Isn’t that funny?! Ha ha ha ha! I is sooooo silly!!” laughed Tanner. Soon real nazis were called and it was time to flee. The nazi police cars pulled up just after they started the car and drove off. The teller pointed in their direction and soon they were being chased. This time, they had machine guns.
“We gotta lose them, fast!” Mike said.
“And how do we do that?” Ryan complained. “I’m all out of my explosive cigarettes!”
“Here, drive onto that beach, Shay!” Mike pointed to a lakeside.
“Are you crazy?! After the storm a few nights ago, there’s gotta be loads of beached driftwood!” Shay yelled.
“Heh, I know.” Mike said casually. Shay shrugged and drove onto a beach full of logs blocking the way. The nazis followed their every move, still firing machineguns on them. Shay started swerving in and out of the driftwood, trying to lose them, but they were right behind her. They looked forward and dead ahead was a huge tree on its side blocking the entire beach! This was their stop.
“Hold on! Don’t stop!” Tanner exclaimed, “I gots an idea!”
“Heh, desperate times call for desperate measures. Go ahead, Tanner.” Ryan laughed.
Shay stopped the car right in front of the humongous tree and Tanner opened his door and got out. Shay and the others started driving away but the nazis still aimed at Tanner. He bent down and put his hands around the giant tree. Using all of his might, he pulled the tree off its side and held it into the air. The nazis were amazed and stopped firing. They were going full speed right at Tanner. He smiled.
“BATTA UPPP!!!” He shouted and swung the tree with all of his might. The nazis screamed as Tanner struck them and sent them flying backwards into the sky. They disappeared for a moment, then a huge explosion emerged. “Yay! I think dat was a home run!” Shay drove back to Tanner, picked him up, and they continued their drive north.
CHAPTER 4
They made it to the Canadian border, safe and sound. They gave the border nazi their ID cards. Mike was Mr. Chadworth Von Ramone, Shay was his wife, Camilla Von Ramone, Ryan was their 8-year-old son, Billy Von Ramone, and Tanner was their redneck cousin, Billy Bob Hickington. The nazi accepted this, and they were finally on the road to freedom. Back in Leichenhimerville D. C., though, the President got news of four Americans traveling to Canada, which was totally weird to him as his whole campaign slogan was “VOTE FOR LEICHENHIMER OR MOVE TO CANADA, THE CRAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!” Since no one else had gone there yet, he was suspicious. He called for his best detective spy, Keva Zenigata of the ICPO to come to his room immediately. His orders were to spy on the four and if they showed any suspicious behavior to capture them immediately. He drove out to Canada by himself. Soon after, President Leichenhimer, who doesn’t trust anyone period, called for many of his nazi battalions to keep a close watch on inspector Keva, just in case. Meanwhile, the not so great four made it to Ontario and decided to have a look around. There was tons of anti nazi and anti American merchandise available in the stores, on billboards, and on television ads.
“This is my kind of place!” exclaimed Ryan.
“Let’s go find a place to spend the night.” Insisted Shay.
“You know, there’s no drinking or smoking age in Canada.” Mike said with a smirk.
“EXCELLENT!!!” yelled Tanner. The four spent the rest of the day drinking, getting high, and partying in the streets of Canada with all the other punk rock kids there. Unbeknownst to them, though, watching from a safe distance was inspector Keva, who observed their every move.
“Well,” he thought, “according to Canadian laws, they really aren’t doing anything wrong. I guess I’ll just watch for a couple more hours and if they don’t do something, I’ll just go home and tell the President that it was only a misunderstanding.” The inspector kept watch. Still, he unknowingly was watched himself by nazi spies who were under strict orders to capture or kill the four kids if inspector Keva doesn’t do his job, then he would be sentenced to death for failing his mission. Later on that night, the four ordered a room in a sleazy hotel. Shay and Tanner decided to go right to bed, but Mike and Ryan wanted to stay up longer. They took the car out to the nearest pub and ordered a few beers. They talked and laughed for a while.
“So tell me, man,” Ryan started a conversation, “how long have you and Shay been going out?”
“What’re ya talking bout, Ry?”
“You know, she likes you and you like her, so you two must be dating or something.”
“She likes me? What, did she tell you that?”
“Nah, but it’s easy to tell. She totally digs you, you can see it in her eyes. Course, I don’t blame her, if I was gay, I’d totally wanna bang you too.”
“Aw, dude! That’s gross!”
“Naw, seriously man! If I was gay and you were gay, would you go out with me? Cmon, man! I’ve always dreamed of us getting an apartment together, just you and I, it’ll be magical!”
“Oh-kay, didn’t need to know that there, Ryan. I’m gonna start heading back, you’ve had too much to drink so you’re coming too.”
“Can we share a bed? Please?”
“No. Let’s go.” Mike drove a totally wasted Ryan back to the hotel, all the while thinking about what Ryan said. Not the gay part! The part about Shay liking him! Sure it was kinda cool hanging out with her, but did she really like him like that? He’d ask her tonight. He pulled up into the parking lot. Ryan was passed out in the car so he let him be. He walked up to his room but paused before opening the door. He thought he had heard something in their room. He slowly turned the knob and creaked open the door. What he saw shocked him, there on the bed was Shay, her lips pressed passionately up against Tanner's. Tanner had his arms wrapped around Shay and it was obvious taht he was trying to smile. “Mmm, daddy like!” Said Tanner. Shay got up and looked over at Mike. He was deeply confused and heartbroken. He walked out of the room.
“No, Mike! It’s not what it looks like!” Shay tried to speak while he walked out. He closed the door and tears started rolling down her cheeks.
“Cmon, Shay! Let’s keep up with the fun here!” Tanner barked at her. Shay sat down on the bed and put her knees to her face. Mike ran down the stairs, trying to get away from the pain and never come back. Ryan was wrong, Shay never liked him, and now he would never like her. He and Ryan would just leave them be. If she chose the big retard over him, that’s okay. He wouldn’t worry about it anymore. He opened the door and went back into the parking lot. He looked over to his car. Something was wrong. There were people in it, and not just the intoxicated Ryan. He got closer and saw two nazis in the car trying to interrogate Ryan, but he was too drunk to know what they were saying, so they grabbed him and tied him up and put him in the back of their car. One of the nazis looked up and saw Mike standing there. He shouted at him and ran towards him. Mike ran back into the hotel up to their room and locked the door. Shay was still there crying when she looked up at Mike.
“I’m so sorry!” she sobbed, “I didn’t mean to, I just-“
“Never mind that,” Mike commanded, “where’s Tanner? We gotta split! Now!”
“He ran outside, looking for you.”
“Shit, they must’ve caught him by now. Is there any way out of here?”
“I guess the window. Why?” There was a sudden bang on the door. The nazis were trying to get in. Mike thought quickly and picked up a table and threw it at the window shattering the glass. Mike jumped out and landed five feet below.
“Hurry up, Shay!”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain later! We’ve gotta move now!” The nazis suddenly burst into the room, scaring Shay backwards out of the window. Mike caught her, and they ran for the nearest car. They opened it up and Shay hot-wired it as fast as she could. The nazis jumped out of the window and started running for the car. Shay floored the car and drove as quickly as she could out of the parking lot and onto the freeway, losing the nazis. They headed for the next big city they could find, Quebec. It was a drive and after a few minutes, they calmed down. Mike turned to Shay.
“So, what exactly was going on in there with you and Tanner?”
“Mike, I’m so sorry, look, I was really drunk and I had unpacked this outfit and Tanner said that it looked pretty on me, and since you and Ryan were out, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it on for a second to make sure it still fit. Next thing I know I was next to Tanner, and we seemed to have a moment, so I kept it up, and then you walked in and I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! Honest! I love you, Mike!” she sobbed and hugged Mike and started bawling her eyes out. Mike grabbed the wheel just in time. This was a lot for him. On one hand, YES! The girl of his dreams likes him back! On the other hand, she cheated on him with a complete retard, which is bad. Still on the other hand, he could forgive her because he loved her, right? Yeah, sure, why not. They had bigger problems right now. They had to go and rescue Ryan and Tanner, and somehow get the nazis to leave them alone. Also, they didn’t know it but now that they had done something illegal, Inspector Keva was hot on their tail and planned to arrest the two in the next place they stop. Still, though he didn’t know it, the nazis with Ryan and Tanner tied in the back of their cars were chasing the inspector and planned on capturing him next! This was all going to blow up in Leichenhimer’s face once they get to Quebec!
CHAPTER 5
Back at nazi headquarters, Ryan and Tanner were being held in the dungeon. They were being interrogated. The door opened and light burst into the room for a second as President Sven Leichenhimer made his way to the two guys.
“It’s your lucky day,” cackled Leichenhimer, “I’m going to give you two one chance to answer these questions nicely before I had to get rough.”
“Go suck Hitler’s cock, you nazi dooshbag! We ain’t telling!” shouted Ryan.
“But we don’t know anything anyway, Ryan!” corrected Tanner.
“Dammit, Tanner! Shut up!” he screamed and tried to kick Tanner, but was chained to the wall. President Leichenhimer stood there and smiled.
“Well, well, I guess I know how to make you talk.” He said as he walked over to Ryan. He put a black glove on his hand, then stood over Ryan. “Now this will only hurt for a second, but damn will it hurt!” he said and slapped Ryan across the face. “Where were you on the night of the fifteenth!” he screamed and slapped Ryan again. “Why don’t you answer my questions?! Answer me!!” he slapped him again. Tanner was watching the whole time.
“STOP!!” He yelled at Leichenhimer. He looked up at Tanner. “You don’t always have to resort to viowence,” Tanner started with tears in his eyes, “we can wesolve this by talking this out, then giving each other a big hug and saying we’re sowwy!!!” He smiled. Ryan was totally embarrassed and Leichenhimer was just confused, so he just went right back to hitting Ryan again. Ryan wouldn’t talk no matter what. Tanner on the other hand was nearly bawling his eyes out. He couldn’t take watching his friend get beaten like this for much longer. “Okay!!” he yelled. Leichenhimer stopped again.
“What now, dammit?!” Leichenhimer yelled, annoyed by Tanner.
“Dey went to Quebec! Dey went to Quebec!! Now please stop hurting my friend!!” Tanner sobbed.
“Wait a minute, Tanner,” Ryan was now confused, “how do you know that they went to Quebec? They never told us anything!”
“Simple, Ryan! While you were captured, I headed back to the woom. I heard glass shatter in the diwection of the eastern parking lot, which I knew was east because the moon was facing the hotel in that direction. I calcuwated the measurement of their speed in meters per second on foot times the mass of each of their body. I heard the hot wiwing of a Chevrolet Monte Carlo, and since those had been in service since 1975, they did not have a V6 chrome engine and their hot wiring does not require a large mass of positive electrodes to fuse with the cathode. I could also tell by the time it took dem to start up the car that it had exactly 9.64 gawons left in the gas tank. If they are going at 60 mph and they have 3.64 liters in the engine, then the car would take them approximately 3 howas before it needed refueling. Quebec is about 120 miles east of the hotel which would not only offer them an approximate time to get there but a good chance of leaving in the same vehicle. Of course, dat’s not the only reason they went to Quebec. The Canadian government system, though slightly more socialist than the former American government system, holds pro capitalist ideals in the main judicial court and naturally with the fascist succession of the American government, Canada’s court systems would feel the need to protect freedom and democracy, so if the new American government wequests its wefugees back, then Canada would have to be the defender of the rights of man and disincline America’s socialist request. It’s so simple, even an idiot could figure it out. Duh!” said Tanner with a closing smile. Leichenhimer and Ryan stood speechless with their eyes wide open. Leichenhimer turned to Ryan.
“Uhh, are you SURE that this kid is retarded?” he asked.
“I’m not sure about anything anymore, dude. Give me a cigarette.”
“Yeah, I might have one too.”
CHAPTER 6
Mike and Shay arrived in Quebec, the capital city of Canada.
“First thing’s first,” stated Shay, “I need to get out of these clothes.”
“Naw, I think this way looks better.” Mike said as he drove. Shay looked over at him and gave him an evil glare.
“You think this looks better, eh?” she said with her fists clenched at him.
“Uh, yeah, I do. What?” She slammed her fist down on top of his head so that it slammed onto the steering wheel and they came to a screeching halt.
“Well too bad. I’m getting some normal clothes.” They stopped the car and sprinted into the nearest department store. Two seconds later they were out and shay had a hoodie and a miniskirt on.
“Better?”
“Yeah. Cmon, let’s go.” They got back in the car and shut the door. Suddenly, someone grabbed them from behind and handcuffed them both to their doors.
“Ha! You’re under arrest!” said Keva. Shay screamed.
“HELP!! HELP!! RAPE!! YOU’RE A RAPIST!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!” she yelled out of the car window.
“What? No! I’m inspector Keva of the International Criminal Police Organization and I was called here to arrest you!” he pleaded.
“Aw, dammit! Not another arrest attempt!” complained Mike, “Can you assholes just give us like a day to rest up?! God!” Suddenly two police vehicles pulled behind the car and a couple nazis with pistols ran up to the car windows. One shouted for them to get out of the car.
“Exit your vehicle! We are the American Neohima ICPO and the three of you are under arrest!” ordered a nazi.
“DAMMIT! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!! GIVE US A FRIGGIN BREAK, WHY DON’T YA!!” Mike shouted at the top of his lungs.
“Hey! Whadda ya mean the three of you? I’m with you guys! I’m-“ Inspector Keva started.
“You’re inspector Keva of the ICPO. You’re under arrest by the American Neohima government by failing your mission and by cooperating with international criminals.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” Keva hollered.
“Inspector is getting hostile. Extreme measures must be taken.” Said a nazi as he cocked his pistol.
“Uhh, dude,” started Mike, “I don’t think they’re on your side.”
“Oh no, what are we gonna do?!” yelled Shay.
“Let’s roll!” exclaimed Mike as he floored the gas pedal and they went screaming through the big city streets. The nazis got back in their cars and followed. They were on a high-speed chase through a big city, but they were still handcuffed to the doors. The nazis rolled down their windows and began firing upon them. Inspector Keva screamed in the backseat as a bullet whizzed past his head. Shay looked back at him.
“Hey, ya wanna help us out here?!” she yelled at him and held up her handcuffed hand. He nodded and pulled out his keychain. He tried to unlock Shay’s cuff, but it didn’t work.
“Oh, wait, this is this guys.” He moved over to Mike, who was still driving and trying to escape the nazis pursuit. Keva grabbed his arm and fiddled with the lock for a few seconds.
“Dammit! It’s stuck!” shouted Keva. He moved over, still trying to get it. His arm blocked Mike’s view of the road.
“Hey!! I can’t see!! Stop it!! Get back!!” he shouted at him.
“Got it!” Keva yelled. He looked out the windshield. “AHHHH!!!!!!” he screamed. They were headed right for a huge construction site. Mike opened the door and bailed out of the car. Keva jumped over the front seat and bailed out too. Shay opened her door and tried to jump, but she was still cuffed to the door. The car rammed headfirst into a cement structure, flinging Shay and the car door twenty feet.When the dust cleared, Mike ran up to check on Shay. She was unconscious and still cuffed to the car door. He tried to break it, but nothing happened. He looked around for Keva, but found him knocked out too and couldn’t find his keys. He heard the sirens of the nazi police cars. He had to split; there was nothing he could do for the two of them. He saw the police cars coming right behind him. He took one look at the two of them, and then ran off into the cloudy dust kicked up when the car crashed. He was screwed if they found him. He had to hide somewhere fast. Now the nazis were out of their cars and were checking around the site for Mike. He ran down farther into the construction site, until he made his way to a wooden fence on the side of a building. He ran down it, and at the other end there was a hole he squeezed himself into. He hid behind the fence for a few seconds until he heard footsteps on the gravel. There were a few nazis right on the other side of the fence. They got to the hole in the fence and stopped. Mike had to be quick, he ran to the other side of the building where the nazis couldn’t see. One nazi stuck his head through the fence and looked around, but luckily Mike had got away. The nazis gave up their search about an hour later and drove off. Mike walked back to the crash site. The broken car was there but the nazis had taken Keva and Shay. Mike was alone, and he was being hunted wherever he went. He felt as bad as he did when he first saw his dad in nazi uniform. He walked away into the cold gray city. He walked the empty street, on a boulevard of broken dreams. It seemed the city sleeps and he’s the only one, he walks alone. A light shines on him from behind. He looks back. A black SUV appeared out of the dust, heading right for Mike. It pulled up next to him. The window rolled down. It was none other than his dad, John Smith.
“Dad?!!” Mike exclaimed, “What are you doing here?!”
“Be quiet,” John told him, “and get in the back.” Mike opened the back door and climbed in. “Buckle your seatbelt.” He told him coldly.
“So, anyway dad, what the hell are you doing here?”
“I came here looking for you. I need you.” He looked back at Mike. He was confused.
“Whoa, back up, what?”
“It seems that you had a price on your head from the new nazi government.”
“No, I mean I only told you like eight times.” Mike thought.
“So President Leichenhimer ordered us to give us all the info on you we could. Mary, Beth, and I all told what we knew, your full name, height, weight, birth date, shoe size, and underwear color, but they wanted more. They went to ask that Bonnie girl you took to homecoming, but she said she broke up with you about nine months ago so that was useless, so I told them that your favorite cousin in the world might know something.”
“Oh, god, not him!”
“Yes, they asked Christopher. He’s a genius, you know, he is able to pick you out of a million people.”
“Dammit! The kid ratted me out!”
“Hey! You better be damn grateful for that boy. He looks up to you like you were a GOD, you know. But then, something went horribly wrong. When Christopher told the President that he didn’t want to give away his favorite cousin’s hiding place, he was put in jail. I pleaded with President Leichenhimer that he was making a mistake and needed to let the kid go, but he wouldn’t listen. Now I have created my own secret rebellion force where we plan to topple the evil nazi rule and bring forth an age where we will have a good fascist dictator who can treat all of God’s children the way they’re supposed to be treated.” John spoke with pride.
“God dammit, dad,” said a disheartened Mike, “this is why I left. You can’t see it but you ain’t this kid’s father and you know it. You got kids to worry about already. Me, I’m wanted dead or alive and what do you say? Maybe it’s for the best! This is wrong, dad. First comes mom, Beth, Mark, and me, then comes kids with their own lives and their own parents.” Mike looked away as John stopped the car and looked back at him.
“Mike,” John started with tears in his eyes, “how could you say such a thing? I love you like a son! You mean so much to me, and the only reason I joined this stupid political party is because I thought you would get a better chance at life if I protected you from all the violence out in the world. I care for Chris, yes, but that’s just because he’s family like you and me. I had just hoped that you loved him as much as he loved you. Just remember that I’m your father and will always love you, your brother, your sister, and your mother, no matter what.” John smiled at Mike. Mike looked at him and smiled. He jumped up and hugged his father for what seemed like the first time in a while.
“Allright, dad, now we gotta save them. All of them! My family, my friends, and all of America!”
“No, I think your friends are bad influences so this is a good thing for them.”
“DAD!!!” Mike shouted.
“Allright, allright, we’ll save them, geez.”
“Thanks, dad.”
CHAPTER 7
Meanwhile, in the nazi government dungeon where Shay was being held, a drop of water fell on her face, causing her to stir. Her eyes opened and she first saw darkness.
“Oh my god, Mike?! Mike! You there?” she yelled into the darkness.
“Don’t bother,” came a sad voice, “he ain’t here.”
“Hey, it’s you!”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“That one guy who cuffed us but got arrested himself! God, what was your name…”
“Inspector Keva Zenigata of the ICPO. Sup.”
“Whoa, my head hurts, what happened?”
“I kinda… screwed up.”
“What?”
“My bad. It won’t happen again, don’t worry.”
“What?! Where are we?”
“We’re in a maximum security prison created by the nazi government. We’ll be here until the police capture your friend or kill him. Either way, we’ll be executed in here.”
“How do you know?!”
“It was my job to send people here. Mostly because they were gay or jews. Your boyfriend must be quite the wanted man if he is also being chased by the government.”
“Hey! Is anyone out there?! Hello?!!!” she yelled out into the darkness.
“Sup.” Came a voice from nowhere. It was strangely familiar.
“HEYYY SHAYYEE!!” Yep, it was Tanner.
“Ryan? Tanner?! You’re here too?! Where are you?” Shay yelled.
“We’re in this cell. Over here! Eh, screw it, you can’t see us anyway.”
“Omigod, how are you guys doin in there?” Shay asked.
“OK!!” yelled Tanner.
“Yeah, we’re doin just fine, ya know, hangin out, getting tortured and interrogated 12 hours a day, this is the life!” Ryan shouted sarcastically.
“O yeah! Is Mikey in there with yous, Shay?” Tanner asked.
“No, he escaped.”
“Lucky bastard,” whispered Ryan, “So who’s that guy in there with you?”
“I really dunno. We kinda just found him.”
“Actually, I found you guys. I was tracking you three and your friend, when my own troops turned on me for some reason.”
“Yeah, yeah, sappy story, blah, blah, ANYONE GOT A LIGHT?!” Ryan shouted.
“Here, I do.” Keva said and threw his lighter over into the other cell. There was a sudden light, then it went away. Ryan threw the lighter back.
“Hey, thanks man.”
“Anytime.”
“Hey, shouldn’t we be trying to get out of here?” Tanner asked.
“Nope.” Keva said as he lit himself a cigarette.
“Why not?” asked Shay.
“Cause. We can’t. I know these things, okay?”
“Don’t worry, guys! We’ll just keep looking up, and soon things will be all okay!” Tanner said with glee.
“Nope. Don’t work that way. We die here. Welcome to nazi death camp.”
“Aw, that’s just retarded!” Tanner pouted. Ryan shook his head and took a big smoke.
Meanwhile, John drove Mike to the anti-nazi super attack base turbo. They came out of the car and John knocked on the door three times. A window opened and asked for the password.
“I’m sorry, I forgot.” John said sheepishly. The door opened and let John and Mike in. There were computers and devices everywhere in the building. There were people fiddling with gadgets and weapons, some were on a table discussing plans of attack. John and Mike walked up to the main table and sat down.
“Mike, we are planning an infiltration of the O’Malley death camp at Leichenhimerville, D.C. you are the main man for this mission, along with a team of experts. I’d like you to meet them.
“Dirka Baka Ali Shaka Eli Mamanaka Alisakabada Usawada Muhamid Akti Dirka Blah, the team’s expert terrorist. Kyle Medolowski, the team’s jewish scientist. Lil Shaniqua Krakhore, the team’s expert hair stylist. Fuk Minao, the team’s expert asian thief. Big Ray King, the team’s weapons expert/ black guy to sacrifice himself if anything goes wrong. And finally Cammi Gordon, the team’s annoying little kid.”
“I have no idea why you all think I am a terrorist, I come to this country to escape cruel dictatorship when I get here to be prosecuted by white American government but please just try to call me Dirka Blah.” Explained Dirka Blah.
“Lchaim! I praise Abraham that God has blessed this Sabbath with a group that doesn’t exile us. Say, have you ever played W.O.W. before? Because I swear I know a Mike…” mentioned Kyle.
“HEY BABY! Mike I’m Shaniqua, what’s uup? OH you NEED new hair do mhmmm.” Criticized Shaniqua.
“Konichiwa!” greeted Fuk.
“Listen up white boi, I don’t like you and I don’t like your face! You bug me and I’ll get all up yo’ heezy! Don’t go and ax me nuthin, we clear?” threatened King.
“Hey Mike! Nice to meet ya, wanna help me paint my room yellow?” giggled Cammi.
Mike just stood there, wide-eyed. His mouth was wide open as he stared at these bozos that his dad called experts. He shook his head. “None of these guys are experts, Dad.” He complained.
“Yeah but they’re all we could find. We took them from nazi camps or from their own homes, I don’t care. The important thing is that we go in there and save Chris and the other people!!” John commanded.
“Again with this Chris person! Why must we all put our lives on the line for your gay lover?” Fook asked John.
“I am not gay! Mike, tell them that I ain’t gay, just very into my emotions!”
“This man is crazy! I am going back home to my wife and family and good job.” Dirka said.
“Waaah! I want my mommy!” Cammi cried.
“Shut it bitch! Yous fakin!” screamed Biggie Ray.
“Uh-uh, sista! You keep on showin yo feminine side! We girls need to stick togethea.” Yelled Shaniqua.
“Okay, dude, I am going back to my level 40 dwarf warrior to fight Internet nazis and spread the word of Jehovah.” Kyle got up and left.
“No!! Not my beautiful team! Come back!!” John cried.
“It’s alright, dad! We can do this if the two of us work together!” Mike said excitedly.
“Are you freakin crazy?! I’m not going in there! I’ll get killed! You go if you want, I’m not stupid! I’m staying right here.” John yelled.
“Whatever. I’m going to save America.” Mike blew off his dad.
“Allright, but be home by 10 or else you’re grounded for the rest of the month!”
CHAPTER 8
Leichenhimerville D.C. was a small, quaint little village. Most of the stuff from when it was still Washington was still intact. There were the Washington and Lincon memorials, the Congress building, and Supreme Court. There was only one difference in the city. Leichenhimer added a 300-foot statue of himself onto the top of the white house. At the very top of the statue was the Presidential office, where Leichenhimer spent most of his days. He stood there, looking out of his window onto the earth below. He saw that everything was good and it was all his. His door opened and his secretary, Leonard came in carrying papers.
“Sir, the Chinese, Japanese, Russian, and Vietnamese governments have all declared war against the united states.” Leonard said.
“Excellent, Leonardo,” smiled Leichenhimer, “everything is going to plan.”
“Actually sir, its just Leonard. And that is very good sir.”
“You know, Lenny, I’ve never told anyone this, but I’ve dreamed of this day since I was a mere schoolgirl.”
“Sir, it’s Leonard- what did you say?” said the grossed out Leonard.
“Ahh yes, back in 6th grade, when I was a mere child of thirty, I had dreams of one day achieving my goal of world domination.”
“Sir, you’re really starting to creep me out.”
“Back then, there was this one punk school kid who I loathed with the very atomic structure of my soul. He was big and mean and his name was Puddin. I never forgave that boy for what he did. Can you imagine what he did, Leo?”
“Leonard. It’s Leonard. It’s not that hard, listen, LEANORD.”
“Well, Lupin, he made fun of my middle name. It’s not bad. Its just skipper. He always used to say ‘there goes Sven Skipper Leichenhimer!’ and I never forgave how he made the other children laugh their fat little heads at me.”
“You call me ANYTHING but Leonard, sir, and I swear to GOD I will slit your goddamn throat, you hear me?!!!!” Leonard screamed.
“That’s kinda what I told him, Joseph, except I told him that if he called me anything but Mr. Leichenhimer I would spank him really hard. Well, he kept it up and I had to spank him, I spanked him a bullet from my walther p38 into his brain. He never called me Sven Skipper Leichenhimer again. Now that I control America, my dream is to rule the world in a way that no punk kid can ever make fun of people with funny middle names ever again! So the point of this story is don’t take candy from strangers or from hyperactive three year olds. Hey! Where’d you go?!” Leonard had left. “Oh, well, this gives me time to count all the cats I can see. Oh, there’s one. There’s one too. This is nice, I see a lot of cats today.” Leonard took the elevator down to the ground level. He got into his car, still grumbling about how much he hates his job and that his boss is a real nazi. He plotted an evil way to get him back. What did he hate the most? Jews? Blacks? Gays? Asparagus? Of course! Punks! He hated punk kids! And if there is anything worse than punk kids to a nazi, its punk kids who know that his full name is Sven Skipper Leichenhimer! Now his evil plan to destroy Leichenhimer was in full effect. He turned off of the main road and headed towards the maximum-security prison death camp and drive thru jew exterminator. He parked and walked through the main door. He showed his ID and went through the cellblocks looking for prisoners to release. He looked farther down the hallway and saw a kid in a black latex suit and mask trying to open a cell door. Leonard walked up to him.
“Hey, what are you doing here, kid?” Leonard asked. The kid turned, it was Mike. He jumped back and pulled nunchaku from his belt and started flipping it around.
“I’m here to rescue my friends! Stand back or I will destroy you!” Mike yelled and got in attack pose. Leonard raised his eyebrow, then walked over to the cell door. He pulled out a key and unlocked it. Mike stood there, dumbfounded. “Uhh, thanks, dude?” Mike said uncertainly. Leonard opened it up. In it were Tanner and Ryan in strait jackets. Tanner was sitting there peacefully. Ryan was on the floor rolling around, his eyes big red swirls.
“Hehehe, the nice men in the white coats are back to give me more happiness fruit!” Ryan laughed and started screaming for no reason.
“Oh, don’t worry,” started Tanner, “the guards just haven’t given him a cigarette in a couple of hours so he’ll be like this for a while.” Leonard walked over to the other cell door and opened it up to see Shay sleeping, snoring loudly, and Keva smashing his head against the wall. He looked over at Mike.
“You try sleeping in the same room as her if you want! I’m outta here!!” Keva ran out into the hallway. After walking two steps, he was tackled to the ground by Ryan.
“Look, Charles! It’s the wonderful man who sells joy!” Ryan screamed as he lay on top of Keva. “Mister, may we purchase some more of your joy candies?!!” Keva screamed and reached in his pocket and quickly lit Ryan a cigarette. He took a very long puff and held it in for a while. He exhaled all over Keva’s face and he started coughing. Ryan’s eyes turned back to normal. He looked around and got up off of Keva.
“Whoa, what just happened?” asked Ryan.
“You were so funny!” giggled Tanner.
“Never mind! Get off of him and let’s get going!” shouted Mike.
“Mike!” screamed Shay and she ran up and hugged him tight. “Mike, I’m so glad you came for us! I swear I won’t leave your side ever again!” She held him while Ryan, Tanner, Keva, and Leonard stared. Out of the blue, the alarm siren went off and searchlights turned on. It was time for them all to get out of there. They all ran down the hallway as guards came running right behind them. They turned a corner and hid, and the guards ran right by them. Mike looked at all of them.
“Allright! Now there’s only one exit out of this place. We need to make it unseen up to the fifth floor cellblock b. There is a ladder right outside of cell 114A and if we cut through the bars we can climb that ladder until we make it to the ventilation shaft on floor 8. If we all go through the shaft and don’t get caught by any of the lasers, then we will have to only jump through the razor-sharp fan blades and make it through the fiery incinerator and come out of the sewer system and swim to freedom!” Mike commanded and started to run off.
“Or we could walk out that door. My car’s parked right in front. It fits 6.” Leonard confessed. Tanner, Ryan, Keva, and Shay looked at each other.
“I dunno, Mikey, this sounds like a pretty good plan to me. See ya!” They all ran to the front door. Two guards ran in front with their pistols aimed at the group and commanded them to freeze. Tanner ran up in front and grabbed both of them by the head.
“TRIPLE HEADBUTT!!” He screamed and slammed their two heads onto his, knocking them both out. Keva then kicked the door open and they ran down the front steps and closed in on the front gate.
“We’re going to make it!” shouted Shay. The gate slammed shut in front of them. They stopped right in front of it. Tanner ran into it and fell back.
“Well, well, Franklin,” came the voice of President Leichenhimer. Leonard fumed with anger as he turned around. “It seems that even you turn on me and my beautiful middle name. I shall put an end to you and all of your little friends! Guards, prepare to fire!” Leichenhimer raised his hand and the guards encircled the group and pointed their automatic rifles at them. This looked like the end. Shay grabbed on to Mike. Ryan grabbed on to Mike. Mike looked down at Ryan. He looked up.
“I will always love you.” Ryan said solemnly.
“FIRE!” Shouted Leichenhimer. The gate exploded with a sudden crash. Everyone was thrown to the ground and smoke covered as far as the eye could see. Mike got up and looked at the gaping hole in the wall. A black figure walked in through the dust cloud.
“Dad?!” Mike shouted.
“Yes, Mike, it’s me.”
“Why are you here?”
“I came to rescue you! You didn’t think I would just let my son die like that, did you?”
“Wow, dad, thanks!”
“Anytime, but right now, I have business to take care of.” He looked over at Leichenhimer.
“Hey Sven Skipper! How ya doin?” He yelled.
“It’s that gay guy! Get him!!” yelled Leichenhimer, “And that’s President Sven Skipper to you!”
“Ah, ah, Sven! I brought along some friends!” The dust cleared and standing behind John was an army of thousands of soldiers, tanks, vehicles, and rifles, all pointed at Leichenhimer. “The entire British, French, Russian, and Canadian armies are here for one reason, to get rid of you!”
“Grr,” Leichenhimer snarled at John and his army, “It’s going to take more than that you fools! You’ll never take me alive!”
“Oh yes we will. Everyone! Ready! On my mark!! GO!!!” John yelled. All the soldiers dropped their rifles. They all pointed their fingers at Leichenhimer.
“SVEN SKIPPER LEICHENHIMER!!!! SVEN SKIPPER LEICHENHIMER!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR NAME IS GAY!!!!!!!!!!” the Earth rumbled as one hundred thousand soldiers all made fun of President Leichenhimer’s name at the same time.
“No! Noo!!!! Stop calling me that!!!! I can’t take it anymore!! AAHHH!!!!!!” he screamed with madness as he reached into his pocket and pulled his pistol out of his holder. He aimed it at his head and blew his brains out. Sven Skipper Leichenhimer was no more. Heh, Skipper. Lol. The crowd of soldiers erupted in cheers and applause. The American dictatorship was over! They were free!! And it was all thanks to Mike and his friends. Mike, Ryan, Tanner, Shay, Keva, Leonard, and John were lifted onto shoulders of soldiers and were paraded around in the streets. They all waved as people thanked them and praised them. They all stood together for pictures, as this was the biggest story of the year, the kids who toppled the Nazi government just by being kids! Shay walked up to Mike as he waved to the crowd. He looked into her tear filled eyes.
“Shay, I’m sorry I left you and you got captured. I-“ Before he could finish, Shay grabbed him and kissed him. The crowd erupted with applause. It was all over now. Mike went through school and got a degree in politics. He is now the governor of Idaho. Shay married him and they now have three kids! Ryan became a professional white rapper but retired after being mortally wounded by rapping at a KKK meeting. Tanner is an astrophysicist and now has a wife and is starting a family. Keva is still a respected police officer in the ICPO and is right now tracking Osama bin Laden. Leonard became the next president after Leichenhimer and immediately took away all things nazi or having to do with neohima. Now he’s known as the anti-nazi nazi. Mike’s dad retired with his wife and now Beth is entering college and Mark is entering eighth grade. They are doing just fine. Sven Skipper Leichenhimer’s ghost wandered the earth, possibly for all eternity, until he unknowingly entered the mind of a soldier named Caboose. He is now known as O’Malley. Ha! Sven Skipper Leichenhimer O’Malley! That’s such an awesome name! *ahem, anyway this is where a turning point in American history ended, with the second defeat of nazi rule, maybe America will learn from its mistakes and grow to have an even better future for its children. Everything was back to normal.
“Oh shit!” John jumped up in bed. Mary was lying next to him.
“What’s wrong, chief?” Mary asked, rubbing her eyes.
“We forgot about Chris!!!!” John screamed.
“Who?”
“Our nephew!!!” John screamed, “We just left him in prison!!” Mary thought for a while.
“Oh my god!! That was like eight years ago!! We just left him there?! And neither of us remembered?!!” Mary was surprised.
“HOLY SHIT!!! CHRIS!!!! I’M ON MY WAY!!!” He jumped up and ran out the door. Mary sat there in bed for a while, then lied back down.
“Well, honey, I sure hope you learned your lesson.” She spoke to herself. She turned out the lights. “…cause I sure as hell didn’t.”
THE END |
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| EXPLOSIONS!!! |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|02:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Maxx Unlimited | ] |
Chapter 7. yay.
CHAPTER 7
Meanwhile, in the nazi government dungeon where Shay was being held, a drop of water fell on her face, causing her to stir. Her eyes opened and she first saw darkness.
“Oh my god, Mike?! Mike! You there?” she yelled into the darkness.
“Don’t bother,” came a sad voice, “he ain’t here.”
“Hey, it’s you!”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“That one guy who cuffed us but got arrested himself! God, what was your name…”
“Inspector Keva Zenigata of the ICPO. Sup.”
“Whoa, my head hurts, what happened?”
“I kinda… screwed up.”
“What?”
“My bad. It won’t happen again, don’t worry.”
“What?! Where are we?”
“We’re in a maximum security prison created by the nazi government. We’ll be here until the police capture your friend or kill him. Either way, we’ll be executed in here.”
“How do you know?!”
“It was my job to send people here. Mostly because they were gay or jews. Your boyfriend must be quite the wanted man if he is also being chased by the government.”
“Hey! Is anyone out there?! Hello?!!!” she yelled out into the darkness.
“Sup.” Came a voice from nowhere. It was strangely familiar.
“HEYYY SHAYYEE!!” Yep, it was Tanner.
“Ryan? Tanner?! You’re here too?! Where are you?” Shay yelled.
“We’re in this cell. Over here! Eh, screw it, you can’t see us anyway.”
“Omigod, how are you guys doin in there?” Shay asked.
“OK!!” yelled Tanner.
“Yeah, we’re doin just fine, ya know, hangin out, getting tortured and interrogated 12 hours a day, this is the life!” Ryan shouted sarcastically.
“O yeah! Is Mikey in there with yous, Shay?” Tanner asked.
“No, he escaped.”
“Lucky bastard,” whispered Ryan, “So who’s that guy in there with you?”
“I really dunno. We kinda just found him.”
“Actually, I found you guys. I was tracking you three and your friend, when my own troops turned on me for some reason.”
“Yeah, yeah, sappy story, blah, blah, ANYONE GOT A LIGHT?!” Ryan shouted.
“Here, I do.” Keva said and threw his lighter over into the other cell. There was a sudden light, then it went away. Ryan threw the lighter back.
“Hey, thanks man.”
“Anytime.”
“Hey, shouldn’t we be trying to get out of here?” Tanner asked.
“Nope.” Keva said as he lit himself a cigarette.
“Why not?” asked Shay.
“Cause. We can’t. I know these things, okay?”
“Don’t worry, guys! We’ll just keep looking up, and soon things will be all okay!” Tanner said with glee.
“Nope. Don’t work that way. We die here. Welcome to nazi death camp.”
“Aw, that’s just retarded!” Tanner pouted. Ryan shook his head and took a big smoke.
Meanwhile, John drove Mike to the anti-nazi super attack base turbo. They came out of the car and John knocked on the door three times. A window opened and asked for the password.
“I’m sorry, I forgot.” John said sheepishly. The door opened and let John and Mike in. There were computers and devices everywhere in the building. There were people fiddling with gadgets and weapons, some were on a table discussing plans of attack. John and Mike walked up to the main table and sat down.
“Mike, we are planning an infiltration of the O’Malley death camp at Leichenhimerville, D.C. you are the main man for this mission, along with a team of experts. I’d like you to meet them.
“Dirka Baka Ali Shaka Eli Mamanaka Alisakabada Usawada Muhamid Akti Dirka Blah, the team’s expert terrorist. Kyle Medolowski, the team’s jewish scientist. Lil Shaniqua Krakhore, the team’s expert hair stylist. Fuk Minao, the team’s expert asian thief. Big Ray King, the team’s weapons expert/ black guy to sacrifice himself if anything goes wrong. And finally Cammi Gordon, the team’s annoying little kid.”
“I have no idea why you all think I am a terrorist, I come to this country to escape cruel dictatorship when I get here to be prosecuted by white American government but please just try to call me Dirka Blah.” Explained Dirka Blah.
“Lchaim! I praise Abraham that God has blessed this Sabbath with a group that doesn’t exile us. Say, have you ever played W.O.W. before? Because I swear I know a Mike…” mentioned Kyle.
“HEY BABY! Mike I’m Shaniqua, what’s uup? OH you NEED new hair do mhmmm.” Criticized Shaniqua.
“Konichiwa!” greeted Fuk.
“Listen up white boi, I don’t like you and I don’t like your face! You bug me and I’ll get all up yo’ heezy! Don’t go and ax me nuthin, we clear?” threatened King.
“Hey Mike! Nice to meet ya, wanna help me paint my room yellow?” giggled Cammi.
Mike just stood there, wide-eyed. His mouth was wide open as he stared at these bozos that his dad called experts. He shook his head. “None of these guys are experts, Dad.” He complained.
“Yeah but they’re all we could find. We took them from nazi camps or from their own homes, I don’t care. The important thing is that we go in there and save Chris and the other people!!” John commanded.
“Again with this Chris person! Why must we all put our lives on the line for your gay lover?” Fook asked John.
“I am not gay! Mike, tell them that I ain’t gay, just very into my emotions!”
“This man is crazy! I am going back home to my wife and family and good job.” Dirka said.
“Waaah! I want my mommy!” Cammi cried.
“Shut it bitch! Yous fakin!” screamed Biggie Ray.
“Uh-uh, sista! You keep on showin yo feminine side! We girls need to stick togethea.” Yelled Shaniqua.
“Okay, dude, I am going back to my level 40 dwarf warrior to fight Internet nazis and spread the word of Jehovah.” Kyle got up and left.
“No!! Not my beautiful team! Come back!!” John cried.
“It’s alright, dad! We can do this if the two of us work together!” Mike said excitedly.
“Are you freakin crazy?! I’m not going in there! I’ll get killed! You go if you want, I’m not stupid! I’m staying right here.” John yelled.
“Whatever. I’m going to save America.” Mike blew off his dad. |
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| chapter SEX! |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|12:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  for no apparent reason | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pillows- ride on shooting star | ] |
chapter 6 of the story for the one small asian man who actually is bored enough to read.
CHAPTER 6
Mike and Shay arrived in Quebec, the capital city of Canada.
“First thing’s first,” stated Shay, “I need to get out of these clothes.”
“Naw, I think this way looks better.” Mike said as he drove. Shay looked over at him and gave him an evil glare.
“You think this looks better, eh?” she said with her fists clenched at him.
“Uh, yeah, I do. What?”
“Well too bad. I’m getting some normal clothes.” They stopped the car and sprinted into the nearest department store. Two seconds later they were out and shay had a hoodie and a miniskirt on.
“Better?”
“Yeah. Cmon, let’s go.” They got back in the car and shut the door. Suddenly, someone grabbed them from behind and handcuffed them both to their doors.
“Ha! You’re under arrest!” said Keva. Shay screamed.
“HELP!! HELP!! RAPE!! YOU’RE A RAPIST!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!” she yelled out of the car window.
“What? No! I’m inspector Keva of the International Criminal Police Organization and I was called here to arrest you!” he pleaded.
“Aw, dammit! Not another arrest attempt!” complained Mike, “Can you assholes just give us like a day to rest up?! God!” Suddenly two police vehicles pulled behind the car and a couple nazis with pistols ran up to the car windows. One shouted for them to get out of the car.
“Exit your vehicle! We are the American Neohima ICPO and the three of you are under arrest!” ordered a nazi.
“DAMMIT! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!! GIVE US A FRIGGIN BREAK, WHY DON’T YA!!” Mike shouted at the top of his lungs.
“Hey! Whadda ya mean the three of you? I’m with you guys! I’m-“ Inspector Keva started.
“You’re inspector Keva of the ICPO. You’re under arrest by the American Neohima government by failing your mission and by cooperating with international criminals.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” Keva hollered.
“Inspector is getting hostile. Extreme measures must be taken.” Said a nazi as he cocked his pistol.
“Uhh, dude,” started Mike, “I don’t think they’re on your side.”
“Oh no, what are we gonna do?!” yelled Shay.
“Let’s roll!” exclaimed Mike as he floored the gas pedal and they went screaming through the big city streets. The nazis got back in their cars and followed. They were on a high-speed chase through a big city, but they were still handcuffed to the doors. The nazis rolled down their windows and began firing upon them. Inspector Keva screamed in the backseat as a bullet whizzed past his head. Shay looked back at him.
“Hey, ya wanna help us out here?!” she yelled at him and held up her handcuffed hand. He nodded and pulled out his keychain. He tried to unlock Shay’s cuff, but it didn’t work.
“Oh, wait, this is this guys.” He moved over to Mike, who was still driving and trying to escape the nazis pursuit. Keva grabbed his arm and fiddled with the lock for a few seconds.
“Dammit! It’s stuck!” shouted Keva. He moved over, still trying to get it. His arm blocked Mike’s view of the road.
“Hey!! I can’t see!! Stop it!! Get back!!” he shouted at him.
“Got it!” Keva yelled. He looked out the windshield. “AHHHH!!!!!!” he screamed. They were headed right for a huge construction site. Mike opened the door and bailed out of the car. Keva jumped over the front seat and bailed out too. Shay opened her door and tried to jump, but she was still cuffed to the door. The car rammed headfirst into a cement structure, flinging Shay and the car door twenty feet. Mike ran up to check on Shay. She was unconscious and still cuffed to the car door. He tried to break it, but nothing happened. He looked around for Keva, but found him knocked out too and couldn’t find his keys. He heard the sirens of the nazi police cars. He had to split; there was nothing he could do for the two of them. He saw the police cars coming right behind him. He took one look at the two of them, and then ran off into the cloudy dust kicked up when the car crashed. He was screwed if they found him. He had to hide somewhere fast. Now the nazis were out of their cars and were checking around the site for Mike. He ran down farther into the construction site, until he made his way to a wooden fence on the side of a building. He ran down it, and at the other end there was a hole he squeezed himself into. He hid behind the fence for a few seconds until he heard footsteps on the gravel. There were a few nazis right on the other side of the fence. They got to the hole in the fence and stopped. Mike had to be quick, he ran to the other side of the building where the nazis couldn’t see. One nazi stuck his head through the fence and looked around, but luckily Mike had got away. The nazis gave up their search about an hour later and drove off. Mike walked back to the crash site. The broken car was there but the nazis had taken Keva and Shay. Mike was alone, and he was being hunted wherever he went. He felt as bad as he did when he first saw his dad in nazi uniform. He walked away into the cold gray city. He walked the empty street, on a boulevard of broken dreams. It seemed the city sleeps and he’s the only one, he walks alone. A light shines on him from behind. He looks back. A black SUV appeared out of the dust, heading right for Mike. It pulled up next to him. The window rolled down. It was none other than his dad, John Smith.
“Dad?!!” Mike exclaimed, “What are you doing here?!”
“Be quiet,” John told him, “and get in the back.” Mike opened the back door and climbed in. “Buckle your seatbelt.” He told him coldly.
“So, anyway dad, what the hell are you doing here?”
“I came here looking for you. I need you.” He looked back at Mike. He was confused.
“Whoa, back up, what?”
“It seems that you had a price on your head from the new nazi government.”
“No, I mean I only told you like eight times.” Mike thought.
“So President Leichenhimer ordered us to give us all the info on you we could. Mary, Beth, and I all told what we knew, your full name, height, weight, birth date, shoe size, and underwear color, but they wanted more. They went to ask that Bonnie girl you took to homecoming, but she said she broke up with you about nine months ago so that was useless, so I told them that your favorite cousin in the world might know something.”
“Oh, god, not him!”
“Yes, they asked Christopher. He’s a genius, you know, he is able to pick you out of a million people.”
“Dammit! The kid ratted me out!”
“Hey! You better be damn grateful for that boy. He looks up to you like you were a GOD, you know. But then, something went horribly wrong. When Christopher told the President that he didn’t want to give away his favorite cousin’s hiding place, he was put in jail. I pleaded with President Leichenhimer that he was making a mistake and needed to let the kid go, but he wouldn’t listen. Now I have created my own secret rebellion force where we plan to topple the evil nazi rule and bring forth an age where we will have a good fascist dictator who can treat all of God’s children the way they’re supposed to be treated.” John spoke with pride.
“God dammit, dad,” said a disheartened Mike, “this is why I left. You can’t see it but you ain’t this kid’s father and you know it. You got kids to worry about already. Me, I’m wanted dead or alive and what do you say? Maybe it’s for the best! This is wrong, dad. First comes mom, Beth, Mark, and me, then comes kids with their own lives and their own parents.” Mike looked away as John stopped the car and looked back at him.
“Mike,” John started with tears in his eyes, “how could you say such a thing? I love you like a son! You mean so much to me, and the only reason I joined this stupid political party is because I thought you would get a better chance at life if I protected you from all the violence out in the world. I care for Chris, yes, but that’s just because he’s family like you and me. I had just hoped that you loved him as much as he loved you. Just remember that I’m your father and will always love you, your brother, your sister, and your mother, no matter what.” John smiled at Mike. Mike looked at him and smiled. He jumped up and hugged his father for what seemed like the first time in a while.
“Allright, dad, now we gotta save them. All of them! My family, my friends, and all of America!”
“No, I think your friends are bad influences so this is a good thing for them.”
“DAD!!!” Mike shouted.
“Allright, allright, we’ll save them, geez.”
“Thanks, dad.” |
|
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| OMFG CHAPTAHS 3-5!!! |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|01:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | New Found Glory | ] |
FOR ANYONE WHO CARES!!!!! CHAPTERS 3-5!!! Hey, if you're new, go down about two entries until you get to the entry that says PROLOUGE and start reading from there. Then go up to chapter 2. Then read this. Mkay?
CHAPTER 3
Mike, Shay, Ryan, and Tanner drove up north to escape the feds. Of course, a long drive with a wanted man, a chain smoker, a woman driver, and a total retard ain’t all that fun by itself. There were multiple potty breaks, sleeping in hotels, and being found out by one of Leichenhimer’s spies. But there was some fun. They robbed two banks by dressing up like the nazi government officials and saying that the taxes were due. Nobody knew the difference until Tanner screwed it up.
“All right, it appears that this bank hasn’t been paying its taxes to the new government now, so we’ll have to bring it to headquarters right away!” Shay ordered in a fake nazi accent to a bank teller.
“Oh, of course, ma’am, we’d be happy to help out the neohima government in any way! Say, have you heard of our retired military plan? 15% off life insurance for aging men and women serving in the armed forces! You can sign up right here!” said the teller. Shay’s eye twitched.
“I’m… not… OLD you freakin dumbass! I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna-!” Shay screamed, but stopped when she heard the big dumb animal laugh coming from her friend.
“Ha ha ha! They thinks you are old, but you’re really only a high school kid dressed up like a nazi! You just look old to them because you’re so ugly in that uniform! And guess what else! We’re also not nazis here to collect tackses! We’re just more high school kids here to steal money! Isn’t that funny?! Ha ha ha ha! I is sooooo silly!!” laughed Tanner. Soon real nazis were called and it was time to flee. The nazi police cars pulled up just after they started the car and drove off. The teller pointed in their direction and soon they were being chased. This time, they had machine guns.
“We gotta lose them, fast!” Mike said.
“And how do we do that?” Ryan complained. “I’m all out of my explosive cigarettes!”
“Here, drive onto that beach, Shay!” Mike pointed to a lakeside.
“Are you crazy?! After the storm a few nights ago, there’s gotta be loads of beached driftwood!” Shay yelled.
“Heh, I know.” Mike said casually. Shay shrugged and drove onto a beach full of logs blocking the way. The nazis followed their every move, still firing machineguns on them. Shay started swerving in and out of the driftwood, trying to lose them, but they were right behind her. They looked forward and dead ahead was a huge tree on its side blocking the entire beach! This was their stop.
“Hold on! Don’t stop!” Tanner exclaimed, “I gots an idea!”
“Heh, desperate times call for desperate measures. Go ahead, Tanner.” Ryan laughed.
Shay stopped the car right in front of the humongous tree and Tanner opened his door and got out. Shay and the others started driving away but the nazis still aimed at Tanner. He bent down and put his hands around the giant tree. Using all of his might, he pulled the tree off its side and held it into the air. The nazis were amazed and stopped firing. They were going full speed right at Tanner. He smiled.
“BATTA UPPP!!!” He shouted and swung the tree with all of his might. The nazis screamed as Tanner struck them and sent them flying backwards into the sky. They disappeared for a moment, then a huge explosion emerged. “Yay! I think dat was a home run!” Shay drove back to Tanner, picked him up, and they continued their drive north.
CHAPTER 4
They made it to the Canadian border, safe and sound. They gave the border nazi their ID cards. Mike was Mr. Chadworth Von Ramone, Shay was his wife, Camilla Von Ramone, Ryan was their 8-year-old son, Billy Von Ramone, and Tanner was their redneck cousin, Billy Bob Hickington. The nazi accepted this, and they were finally on the road to freedom. Back in Leichenhimerville D. C., though, the President got news of four Americans traveling to Canada, which was totally weird to him as his whole campaign slogan was “VOTE FOR LEICHENHIMER OR MOVE TO CANADA, THE CRAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!” Since no one else had gone there yet, he was suspicious. He called for his best detective spy, Keva Zenigata of the ICPO to come to his room immediately. His orders were to spy on the four and if they showed any suspicious behavior to capture them immediately. He drove out to Canada by himself. Soon after, President Leichenhimer, who doesn’t trust anyone period, called for many of his nazi battalions to keep a close watch on inspector Keva, just in case. Meanwhile, the not so great four made it to Ontario and decided to have a look around. There was tons of anti nazi and anti American merchandise available in the stores, on billboards, and on television ads.
“This is my kind of place!” exclaimed Ryan.
“Let’s go find a place to spend the night.” Insisted Shay.
“You know, there’s no drinking or smoking age in Canada.” Mike said with a smirk.
“EXCELLENT!!!” yelled Tanner. The four spent the rest of the day drinking, getting high, and partying in the streets of Canada with all the other punk rock kids there. Unbeknownst to them, though, watching from a safe distance was inspector Keva, who observed their every move.
“Well,” he thought, “according to Canadian laws, they really aren’t doing anything wrong. I guess I’ll just watch for a couple more hours and if they don’t do something, I’ll just go home and tell the President that it was only a misunderstanding.” The inspector kept watch. Still, he unknowingly was watched himself by nazi spies who were under strict orders to capture or kill the four kids if inspector Keva doesn’t do his job, then he would be sentenced to death for failing his mission. Later on that night, the four ordered a room in a sleazy hotel. Shay and Tanner decided to go right to bed, but Mike and Ryan wanted to stay up longer. They took the car out to the nearest pub and ordered a few beers. They talked and laughed for a while.
“So tell me, man,” Ryan started a conversation, “how long have you and Shay been going out?”
“What’re ya talking bout, Ry?”
“You know, she likes you and you like her, so you two must be dating or something.”
“She likes me? What, did she tell you that?”
“Nah, but it’s easy to tell. She totally digs you, you can see it in her eyes. Course, I don’t blame her, if I was gay, I’d totally wanna bang you too.”
“Aw, dude! That’s gross!”
“Naw, seriously man! If I was gay and you were gay, would you go out with me? Cmon, man! I’ve always dreamed of us getting an apartment together, just you and I, it’ll be magical!”
“Oh-kay, didn’t need to know that there, Ryan. I’m gonna start heading back, you’ve had too much to drink so you’re coming too.”
“Can we share a bed? Please?”
“No. Let’s go.” Mike drove a totally wasted Ryan back to the hotel, all the while thinking about what Ryan said. Not the gay part! The part about Shay liking him! Sure it was kinda cool hanging out with her, but did she really like him like that? He’d ask her tonight. He pulled up into the parking lot. Ryan was passed out in the car so he let him be. He walked up to his room but paused before opening the door. He heard screams and moans coming from behind the door. He quickly opened up to find a sight he totally didn’t expect. Tanner was on his back on the floor, wearing black leather pants, a leather vest, and a leather mask. Shay was in a skimpy, tight leather bikini outfit, whipping tanner with a leather belt.
“Mmm, daddy like!” Shouted Tanner. Shay got up and looked over at Mike. He was deeply confused and heartbroken. He walked out of the room.
“No, Mike! It’s not what it looks like!” Shay tried to speak while he walked out. He closed the door and tears started rolling down her cheeks.
“Cmon, Shay! Let’s keep up with the fun here!” Tanner barked at her. Shay sat down on the bed and put her knees to her face. Mike ran down the stairs, trying to get away from the pain and never come back. Ryan was wrong, Shay never liked him, and now he would never like her. He and Ryan would just leave them be. If she chose the big retard over him, that’s okay. He wouldn’t worry about it anymore. He opened the door and went back into the parking lot. He looked over to his car. Something was wrong. There were people in it, and not just the intoxicated Ryan. He got closer and saw two nazis in the car trying to interrogate Ryan, but he was too drunk to know what they were saying, so they grabbed him and tied him up and put him in the back of their car. One of the nazis looked up and saw Mike standing there. He shouted at him and ran towards him. Mike ran back into the hotel up to their room and locked the door. Shay was still there crying in her leather outfit when she looked up at Mike.
“I’m so sorry!” she sobbed, “I didn’t mean to, I just-“
“Never mind that,” Mike commanded, “where’s Tanner? We gotta split! Now!”
“He ran outside, looking for you.”
“Shit, they must’ve caught him by now. Is there any way out of here?”
“I guess the window. Why?” There was a sudden bang on the door. The nazis were trying to get in. Mike thought quickly and picked up a table and threw it at the window shattering the glass. Mike jumped out and landed five feet below.
“Hurry up, Shay!”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain later! We’ve gotta move now!” The nazis suddenly burst into the room, scaring Shay backwards out of the window. Mike caught her, and they ran for the nearest car. They opened it up and Shay hot-wired it as fast as she could. The nazis jumped out of the window and started running for the car. Shay floored the car and drove as quickly as she could out of the parking lot and onto the freeway, losing the nazis. They headed for the next big city they could find, Quebec. It was a drive and after a few minutes, they calmed down. Mike turned to Shay.
“So, what exactly was going on in there with you and Tanner?”
“Mike, I’m so sorry, look, I was really drunk and I had unpacked this outfit and Tanner said that it looked pretty on me, and since you and Ryan were out, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it on for a second to make sure it still fit. Next thing I know I was doing all this sodomy stuff with Tanner, and he seemed to like it, so I kept it up, and then you walked in and I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! Honest! I love you, Mike!” she sobbed and hugged Mike and started bawling her eyes out. Mike grabbed the wheel just in time. This was a lot for him. On one hand, YES! The girl of his dreams likes him back! On the other hand, she cheated on him with a complete retard, which is bad. Still on the other hand, he could forgive her because he loved her, right? Yeah, sure, why not. They had bigger problems right now. They had to go and rescue Ryan and Tanner, and somehow get the nazis to leave them alone. Also, they didn’t know it but now that they had done something illegal, Inspector Keva was hot on their tail and planned to arrest the two in the next place they stop. Still, though he didn’t know it, the nazis with Ryan and Tanner tied in the back of their cars were chasing the inspector and planned on capturing him next! This was all going to blow up in Leichenhimer’s face once they get to Quebec!
CHAPTER 5
Back at nazi headquarters, Ryan and Tanner were being held in the dungeon. They were being interrogated. The door opened and light burst into the room for a second as President Sven Leichenhimer made his way to the two guys.
“It’s your lucky day,” cackled Leichenhimer, “I’m going to give you two one chance to answer these questions nicely before I had to get rough.”
“Go suck Hitler’s cock, you nazi dooshbag! We ain’t telling!” shouted Ryan.
“But we don’t know anything anyway, Ryan!” corrected Tanner.
“Dammit, Tanner! Shut up!” he screamed and tried to kick Tanner, but was chained to the wall. President Leichenhimer stood there and smiled.
“Well, well, I guess I know how to make you talk.” He said as he walked over to Ryan. He put a black glove on his hand, then stood over Ryan. “Now this will only hurt for a second, but damn will it hurt!” he said and slapped Ryan across the face. “Where were you on the night of the fifteenth!” he screamed and slapped Ryan again. “Why don’t you answer my questions?! Answer me!!” he slapped him again. Tanner was watching the whole time.
“STOP!!” He yelled at Leichenhimer. He looked up at Tanner. “You don’t always have to resort to viowence,” Tanner started with tears in his eyes, “we can wesolve this by talking this out, then giving each other a big hug and saying we’re sowwy!!!” He smiled. Ryan was totally embarrassed and Leichenhimer was just confused, so he just went right back to hitting Ryan again. Ryan wouldn’t talk no matter what. Tanner on the other hand was nearly bawling his eyes out. He couldn’t take watching his friend get beaten like this for much longer. “Okay!!” he yelled. Leichenhimer stopped again.
“What now, dammit?!” Leichenhimer yelled, annoyed by Tanner.
“They went to Quebec! They went to Quebec!! Now please stop hurting my friend!!” Tanner sobbed.
“Wait a minute, Tanner,” Ryan was now confused, “how do you know that they went to Quebec? They never told us anything!”
“Simple, Ryan! While you were captured, I headed back to the room. I heard glass shatter in the direction of the eastern parking lot, which I knew was east because the moon was facing the hotel in that direction. I calculated the measurement of their speed in meters per second on foot times the mass of each of their body. I heard the hot wiring of a Chevrolet Monte Carlo, and since those had been in service since 1975, they did not have a V6 chrome engine and their hot wiring does not require a large mass of positive electrodes to fuse with the cathode. I could also tell by the time it took them to start up the car that it had exactly 3.64 Liters left in the gas tank. If they are going at 60 mph and they have 3.64 liters in the engine, then the car would take them approximately 3 hours before it needed refueling. Quebec is about 120 miles east of the hotel which would not only offer them an approximate time to get there but a good chance of leaving in the same vehicle. Of course, that’s not the only reason they went to Quebec. The Canadian government system, though slightly more socialist than the former American government system, holds pro capitalist ideals in the main judicial court and naturally with the fascist succession of the American government, Canada’s court systems would feel the need to protect freedom and democracy, so if the new American government requests its refugees back, then Canada would have to be the defender of the rights of man and disincline America’s socialist request. It’s so simple, even an idiot could figure it out. Duh!” said Tanner with a closing smile. Leichenhimer and Ryan stood speechless with their eyes wide open. Leichenhimer turned to Ryan.
“Uhh, are you SURE that this kid is retarded?” he asked.
“I’m not sure about anything anymore, dude. Give me a cigarette.”
“Yeah, I might have one too.” |
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| chaptah 2 |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|08:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  FOOLY COOLY | ] |
| [ | music |
| | FOOLY COOLY | ] |
not that anyone reads this but here's chapter 2 in NAZI:
The years passed and soon it was almost Election Day. Mike was on his way to work from school when he met up with some of his friends. Three of them were standing in a circle waiting for him, talking excitedly. The shortest one was Ryan, and he was smoking his cigarette when he looked up at Mike. The tallest one was Tanner, a huge weightlifter punk who was carrying around his skateboard, and the only girl holding the newspaper was Shay, and she looked over at Mike with indifferent eyes.
“Hey, dude,” she started off, “You check this out?”
“What? Hey, weren’t you and Ryan supposed to be in detention this week?” Mike asked.
“We got bigger problems right now. Here, read this.” She threw Mike the newspaper. The front page read: NAZI PARTY LEADER SVEN LEICHENHIMER NEXT PRESIDENT BY POPULAR VOTE.
“What the hell?” Mike stuttered as he looked on at the picture of the smiling man on the cover. He was the same nazi who pulled the pistol on him that summer. “Shit!” he screamed. “We’re screwed!”
“What’s up?” Tanner asked. “Is we gonna go somewhere?”
“Yeah, dude,” Ryan said, “I thought you were like a nazi expert, you did a report on them last year for history, right?”
“Naw, these guys are different. Also, that guy there on the newspaper is gonna kick my ass when he sees me.”
“You mean President Leichenhimer? What’d you ever do to him?” Shay asked.
“Never mind. I really gotta go home right now, later!” Mike said as he turned home.
“Bye bye!” Tanner smiled and waved.
“Hey, you’re gonna miss work!” Ryan shouted after him.
“Don’t worry about him.” Shay insisted.
Back at home, Mike opened the door to see his parents and siblings watching the news.
“We have just heard President Leichenhimer’s speech, and this marks the first time in American history that a socialist party has won the presidency. This is a world record in the making, Tom.” The female anchor said.
“It sure is, Diane. Amazingly, there was no controversy and he won the election by a landslide. I’d say this asshole cheated. I mean, come on people! He’s a freakin nazi! He isn’t supposed to win, you know, my grandfather fought and died in WWII to stop these bastards! We can’t let one of these freaks of nature run our great country! This is insane!- Wait, I’m just receiving the message that now that President Leichenhimer has accepted the presidency, he’s made laws that end all elections after this, has decided to eliminate all enemies of the state, and has strictly forbidden all anti-nazi propaganda. We love you, President Leichenhimer!” said the male anchor.
“Ha ha, Tom,” said the female anchor.
“Go fuck yourself, Diane. And that’s the news for tonight.”
Mike’s dad turned off the TV. He was in complete nazi uniform.
“Oh, not you too, dad!” Mike screamed.
“This is the best decision of my life! President Sven Leichenhimer has promised to make America the great place our founding fathers wanted it to be! I can finally raise my kids in a gang and drug free environment that I can be proud that I helped to create!” John said proudly.
“Aw, come on dad! That nazi bastard wants me dead!!”
“You made fun of him publicly. That was very rude and un-American.”
“Dammit!” he looked around. “Mom, Beth, you guys know this is wrong, right?!”
“Oh, don’t worry, honey, these men would never hurt you, you have nothing to worry about.” Mary said sweetly.
“Oh, shut up, mom,” Beth replied, “the first goal on Leichenhimer’s mind is the public execution of all punks and gangstas like Mike, his friends, and even those celebrities we see on TV.”
“Well, it’s for a good reason, sweetie,” John said comfortingly, “We hope to make the world a better place where we don’t have to worry about you going out and getting high or shot or pregnant.”
“Allright, I can’t take it anymore! The only one who still believes me is Mark, and he can’t even talk yet! I’m going out. I’ll see you Deutschland Dooshbags around.” Mike ran out and slammed the door. He left for Shay’s house on the other side of town on his skateboard. He was thinking a lot on the way there. His parents don’t give a damn about him. The whole country wants him dead. What’s there to do? He decided right then and there to give up on life. It’s better off if he was dead, the government and his family wouldn’t have to worry anymore. He skated to the town bridge and stopped by the railing. He looked down. He could end it all right there. All the pain, all the suffering, could make it go away. He got up on the railing. The sky was dark and the river was churning fast. “Goodbye, world, goodbye Mom and Dad, goodbye Ryan and Tanner. Goodbye Shay.” He thought as he started to lean forward. Suddenly a bright light shone from behind him. He stumbled to get his balance.
“Mike! Get over here!” It was Shay! He turned around. A sudden wind gust made him lose his balance and he slipped off into the water. “Oh, no! Mike!” Shay screamed. She thought fast. “Tanner! Fetch!”
“Okie dokie boss!” Tanner ran up and made a perfect form dive into the cold churning water. He swam and grabbed Mike’s body, which was falling towards the river bottom. He pushed up for air, and then swam to shore with Mike on his back. Shay and Ryan ran down to the river’s edge to go check on them.
“Good job, Tanner! Hi-five!” Ryan said to Tanner. They high fived and Tanner clapped and laughed. Shay checked on Mike. He wasn’t breathing. She pounded on his chest a couple times. Still nothing. She moved up and gave him mouth to mouth. Nothing! She tried again with all her might, desperately trying to save her friend. He suddenly choked up dirty river water and puke-while her mouth was still on his!! She spat out his puke and screamed. Ryan was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. Mike came to and looked over to see Shay puking next to him. She stopped, and then looked back at him. She immediately got up into a dignified pose and turned her nose at him. He looked over at Ryan and Tanner.
“All right, would someone please tell me what is going on here?!” Mike asked.
“Dude, you really need to watch the news once in a while. President Leichenhimer has a price on your head. We gotta move! We can’t stay here or the nazis will come kill all of us for helping you!” Ryan shouted at him with his cigarette still in his mouth.
“You’re our best friend, Mikey!” Tanner shouted with glee.
“Uhh, thanks dudes.” Mike felt a little embarrassed.
“Don’t thank us, this was Shay’s idea.” Ryan said and pointed at Shay. “She’s the one with the car.” She was obviously still irritated at Mike and walked back to the car without saying anything. Mike got up and followed her with Ryan and Tanner right behind him. They all piled into the car and Shay tried to start it up. Suddenly, engines were heard behind them. Ryan and Tanner looked back. Three cars with the American and Nazi flags on them were headed for them. They knew they had Mike and were trying to bring him to custody.
“Cmon, Shay,” Mike hollered, “we really gotta go!!!” Shay started up the car and floored it down the street. The nazis were right behind them. They pulled out pistols and started firing upon the car. “Everybody duck!” Mike screamed. Shay tried to dodge the bullets. They screamed down the city streets trying to lose the nazis.
“Hey, anybody got any ideas? They’d be really appreciated right now!!”
“Heh, I got one,” Ryan said. He pulled a box of cigarettes from his coat pocket.
“You know, smoking is a bad habit,” Tanner advised Ryan, “They could kill you!”
“You’re absolutely right, Tan my man.” Ryan snickered as he lit one and threw it back at the nazis cars. It landed in one of them and exploded. The burning car ran into the other two and a huge explosion was the end of their pursuers.
“Ohh, pretty lights!” Tanner exclaimed. Mike suddenly got a good idea.
“Hey, you guys, we can really cause some chaos now that we’re being hunted by the government. We can steal national treasures, blow up nazi propaganda, and make total asses of ourselves until we are caught and killed or death by natural causes!”
“Great plan, whiz kid, but you forgot something. How the hell are we gonna survive out here! We got little cash, our face is on every wanted ad, and we’re officially bigger terrorists than Al Queda. Let’s just worry how we’re gonna spend the night.” Shay told him sarcastically.
“Already got that figured out. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re off to Canada! The Brits, French, and Russians living there totally despised the Nazis since the 1940s and they won’t have to worry about us.”
“Sounds good to me, okay!” Tanner and Ryan said together.
“Only if you’re sure they won’t kill us.” Shay said defensively.
“Don’t worry baby, we’ll be fine.” Mike said. “Now, let’s go get some of that beautiful freedom we call Maple Syrup Land! Yeah!” |
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| NEW FANFIC :DDDDD |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|10:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | YuYuHakusho theme | ] |
I had a weird dream a couple nights ago, so I decided to make it into a story. Here's what I got so far.
PROLOUGE
The Smiths were a completely normal American family. They lived in the nice suburbs in a normal white house with the father, John’s car out in front by the mailbox. John opened the wooden front door of his house and looked outside. His wife, Mary, was out tending her lilies in the garden. His baby boy, Mark was walking awkwardly in the grass next to Mary with his pacifier in his mouth. His young daughter, Beth, was talking with her friends out in the street. It was almost her eleventh birthday. Yes, everything was good in the Smith family home. He took a big whiff of the fresh summer air, and then stepped down onto his footpath to the street. He was dressed for a fine day at work with his suitcase in his hand. Mary stood up from the garden and waved him goodbye with a smile while Mark ran up to him and gave him a big hug. Beth looked away from her friends to wave and say goodbye to her daddy. He smiled and waved back. He got out to his car, opened the door and stepped inside. He closed the door, buckled his seatbelt, and put the keys in the ignition and turned them. Nothing happened. This was weird for him, as he always made sure there was enough gas to get him to work and home. He tried again, still nothing. He looked around. On the seat next to him was a note. He picked it up and read it. “Dear Pops,
I took my friends out to see a show and have some dinner last night. Sorry I forgot to fill her up afterwards. Also, if you find Bonnie’s bra back there, give it to me cause I guess she wants it back. Later,
Mike”
John fumed with anger as he crushed the note. He stepped out of the car and into the middle of the street.
“Grr MICHAEL JOESEPH SMITH GET YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!!!!!!!!”
Mary ran over to him and still smiling tried to coax him to calm down.
“*Ahem* Honey, let’s calm down now, the neighbors are watching!” She smiled and waved to Beth’s friends who were staring in confusion.
“No, Mary! This boy has been trouble from the start and I just can’t take it anymore!! I’m going to finally teach our son some goddamn respect for his father!!!”
“Well you can’t dad,” Beth said with a retarded look on her face, “He went skateboarding, duh!” She sighed and rolled her eyes as she went back to talking with her friends as little Mark looked on and laughed. All right, so the Smiths weren’t the perfect family, but they were still an average American family who would eventually cause a severe change in the history of mankind.
CHAPTER 1
It was summertime, and though it felt good for everyone to be outside and enjoy the weather, it was also time for the Smith family summer barbecue get together. John and his wife and three kids piled into the car and headed down to Grandma’s for a good time and some meeting up with the cousins. When they arrived, the family hugged and shook hands as they prepared for uncle Jeb’s famous baby back ribs. They were so bad that everyone knew about them! Mike walked around the house as his sister talked with all the kids her age and his mom showed off his baby brother to all of his aunts and uncles. He tried to find a room where he could listen to his music alone, so he went upstairs. He opened a door to find his dad politely chatting with his worst enemy, his cousin Christopher. At 5’1 and 100 lbs, he wasn’t that big of a kid, but his brain made up for it. He had national science trophies and plaques and scholarships from different collages, yet he was only 13! Chris and John looked up at Mike.
“Oh, it’s you,” John said in a monotonous voice, “so anyway, Chris, what were your plans after college?”
“I’m going to play videogames and drive my shiny new car, what do you think, idiot?”
“Yes, but you also plan to be a big businessman, right?”
“Well, I guess I might get a job as a vet or something because I love animals.”
“…Yeah, but MOSTLY you want to be a big businessman, right?”
“Sorry to break up whatever it was you were doing there,” Mike interrupted, “but Chris, your dad says it’s time for you to come down and as soon as you eat you have to go home.”
“Aww, but I don’t wanna go home! Everybody in my house hates me!” Chris screamed.
“What makes you think that?” John asked.
“My stupid dad said no video games for a week because of something I didn’t do! I don’t wanna go home!!! Uncle John, I wanna stay with you!!”
“Well let’s see if I can arrange you staying for a few weeks.” John said calmly.
“What?!!!” Mike screamed in shock.
“Oh, thank you, thank you uncle John!” Chris squealed with happiness and hugged him.
“You’re joking!” Mike said with disbelief.
“Michael! This child is growing up in a terrible household where his parents and siblings abuse him! The least we could do is give this poor boy a good chance at life! Would you like to live in a household where your parents beat you and scar you emotionally?!”
“But he just said that they- you know what, screw it. Go ahead.” Mike turned around and waved his hand. He walked downstairs; he knew this was bad; he just stopped caring a while ago. He walked downstairs, looked around and saw that no one was there. “I guess they’re all outside eating.” He thought. He walked into the backyard but it was empty. He heard a commotion out front. He walked around the house and saw everyone out in the street surrounding a man standing on a platform giving a speech of some sort. He found his way to his little sister who was listening to the man. “Hey, gaywad, what the hell’s going on?”
“Oh, my god, can you believe this? The international white socialist party won its court case and can proclaim its values for a fortnight!”
“Sorry, no speaka de English. What?”
“The freakin nazis are marching today.”
“Illinois nazis,” he contemplated, “I hate Illinois nazis.”
“Hey, I’ll give you five bucks if you go up there and beat the crap out of their leader!”
“Come on, the police are surrounding them, there’s no way to do that. Hmm, I’ll do it for $20.” He grinned.
“Done.” He snuck behind the Nazis stand and climbed up the structure to the top of the nazi flag and looked down at the group in brown uniforms speaking into a microphone, the angry mob yelling at them, and the poor policemen forced to be bodyguards. Some of his family in the angry mob noticed him and pointed and waved, soon all of the attention was pointed at him. He had no problem with this and decided to listen in on the speech.
“We are the American Neohima party! We simply want a good, pure society where we have no need for drugs and violence! All white people may join our great leader’s quest!” the man with the microphone shouted.
“Ha! Give me a break!!” came Mike’s voice, “you guys have no idea what it means to be a nazi! You must give all your rights to the state, heil your leader 24/7, and you have to be a blue eyed blonde! Half of you would be exterminated right now by your ‘great leader’!!!” He jumped down onto the stage, ripping down the swastika flag. The crowd cheered and applauded. The furious nazi speaker was outraged and pulled out his pistol and aimed at Mike. Now the police had had enough and arrested all the nazis on the stage. The squirming speaker was filled with rage against Mike.
“You shall pay for this! You will see!!!” he shouted.
“Oh, come on, I’m just a kid! Show some mercy!” Mike taunted back.
Once the scene was over and all the nazis were taken away, Mike and his family had to go home. They piled into the car and drove off. Mary tried to start a conversation.
“So, how does everyone feel about the American nazi party? Good idea?” she asked.
“MOM!!!! Are you kidding?!!” Mike was complexed and tried to explain this. “They’re freakin nazis! You can’t like them! Also, one tried to kill me!!!”
“Oh, hush!” Mary looked back at him, “ They are good family men and women who simply want a good environment for their children to grow up in. That’s very noble.”
“You’re right, dear,” John started off, “They’re doing the right thing, and when November comes around they have my vote! I’ve been worrying about Mark lately. With all the violence we see on television, we really need to make this world a better place!”
“Oh, shit, dad,” Mike pouted loudly, “not you too!!!”
“Michael! It is bad to swear!”
“It’s also bad to kill 30 million people but the nazis still did it!!!”
“These are the American Neohima! They are merely good people following the right idea! We should support them.”
“But dad-!!!”
“Michael! You are sixteen and I am forty-six! I have been around longer than you and I know what I’m talking about!”
“Okay, fine! Be that way. See if I care.” Mike was depressed and confused, but decided to be quiet for the rest of the ride home. |
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| goshlidenkovsna! |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|04:47 pm] |
uhh, i'm gonna post an entry, any entry. for those of you who have read my fanfic *empty room, crickets chirping* 0.0 well, i havent updated it in about a month because i can't think of a good idea for the next chapter. read and see for yourself.
http://eggmanempire.com:81/fanfics_craninov.php |
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| damn, dude! |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|02:20 am] |
crap! I can't figure out how to change stuff on this thing! I need a new background, new random crap, new everything! hey, if anyone can help me out, i'd appreciate it! this is wierd because i'm used to customizing this stuff, i just don't get it right now! your lord and master,
Craninov |
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| Let's start things out |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|11:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Love Shine | ] |
Yosh, craninov here. I am kinda new, but I know all you guys from different sites that I've checked out. I ain't a noob and am currently working on my site, but I'm not sure what it's about yet. Anyway, who here has watched The Ring? You know, that one movie from Japan where a dead psycho 12 year old magically comes out of your TV and somehow manages to badly mangle and kill a 30 year old guy. Pathetic. Well, here's a picture of her dancing to Love Shine on DDR!
http://www.kittysafe.net/reviews/ring/media/ring/sadako_ddr.gif
Glad to be of service,
~Craninov |
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| so it begins! |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|06:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
MWAHAHAHAHA! THE DARK LORD CRANINOV HAS A LIVEJOURNAL NOW! And for those of you who care, I'll update it with whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. Keep checkin this out, it will constantly change. Gracias,
~Craninov |
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craninov's journal
dammit!